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Depressie. Selfmoordpogings

Deur Herman Grobler

Gekopieer van Facebook.

20 Oktober 2019

(The English version folows the Afrikaans.)

Selfmoord is iets wat soms deur iemand in depressie oorweeg word. In my eerste gemeente was ek onder geweldige druk. Ek moes sowat vier boodskappe per week voorberei en ek maak nie gebruik van kapstokpreke nie. Ek was ook verantwoordelik vir die finale jaar katkisante en huisbesoek tot by my plaaswyke waarvan die verste 60 km van die dorp was. Met die landsomstandighede op die plase het ek so onveilig gevoel het dat ek ‘n pistool aangeskaf het!

By die huis was daar gesondheidsprobleme met ons klein kindertjies.

Finansieel was daar ook probleme. My motor, die yskas en wasmasjien het gelyk die gees gegee, en ons moes ‘n lening aangaan om gordyne te koop vir die geweldig groot pastorie.

En op daardie stadium kom ek in ‘n geweldige botsing met my senior medeleraar oor my siening oor die politiek in die land, en hoe dit in die gemeente hanteer moes word.

Ek was totaal geïsoleer en het gevoel ek kon niemand vertrou nie.

In die nag het ek dikwels aan die ruk gegaan sodat my vrou my moes masseer sodat ek ‘n bietjie kon ontspan, om maar net ‘n uur of twee te kon slaap. En op ‘n dag het my vrou by die studeerkamer ingekom en net betyds die pistool by my kop weggeruk! Toe moes ek ons huisdokter gaan sien. Die antidepressante wat hy voorgeskryf het, het my duiselig laat voel en ek kan dit nie hanteer om nie in beheer te voel nie. Gevolglik het ek daarmee gestaak.

Maar die geroepene van God moet mos geseënd wees. Gevolglik het die masker van “alles is wel” net al hoe dikker geword. En dit is weer geïnterpreteer as ongeërgtheid.

Hierdie dinge lê in die verre verlede, en ek het heeltemal daarmee voor die Here vrede gemaak en almal betrokke vergewe. Ek noem dit net sodat mens kan besef dat ons nie weet wat regtig in iemand wat depressie beleef, se lewe aangaan nie. Ons weet ook nie wat agter sy masker skuil nie.

Raad soos: “ruk jouself reg, man” kon ek nie doen nie. Of: “bely net jou sonde!” het ek deeglik met die Here ondersoek en bely. Of: “Werp net jou bekommernis op die Here, Hy sorg vir jou!” het ek ure lank met die Here op my knieë deurgeworstel. Of: “kom net in die plek waar die Here jou wil hê.” Glo my, om predikant in my eerste gemeente as vervulling van ‘n ideaal van kleuterdae af te wees, het my my motiewe deeglik laat ondersoek. Of: “staan die duiwel teë en hy sal wegvlug.” Ek kom nog uit die tyd toe mense in my kerk nie getwyfel het aan die werklikheid van die duiwel nie. Ek het daardie pad deeglik ondersoek en hom in sy aanslae deeglik teëgestaan. Of: “kry jou dieet en oefening in plek” het ek ook probeer, sonder sukses. Of: “kry jou depressante.” Ek kon die duiseligheid en die gevoel van nie ten volle in beheer wees, gladnie hanteer nie.

In die meeste gevalle is die raad wat mense gee, iets wat die persoon meestal reeds deeglik ondersoek het, maar sonder sukses. Om dit weer te hoor, versterk net die gevoel dat jy misluk het, en isoleer jou net verder. Ek vermy hierdie wyses met ‘n maklike oplossing vir so ‘n intense probleem wat my meermale tot ernstige oorweging van selfmoord gedryf het. En ek was meer as een keer daar!

Toe ek met my diepste depressie geworstel het, het my vrou geen raad of eise gestel nie. Sy het net haar liefde konkreet aan my bewys en saam met my voor die Here gebuig. En sy het moeite gedoen om saam met my ‘n koppie koffie of tee te geniet, met iets lekker wat sy self in die kombuis spesiaal vir my gemaak het. Waar sy dit vandaan gekry het, weet ek nie, maar sy het elke dag een of meer komplement aan my deurgegee, en iets gevind waarvoor sy my bedank het. Ek sal nooit vergeet hoe ek gevoel het toe ons by die huis stop en sy sê: “Dankie, jy het so rustig bestuur.” Selfs die kinders het iets gevind om my as “super pa” te bestempel. Ek is oortuig dat my vroutjie ook hiervoor krediet moet ontvang. En elke dag was daar ‘n kort breuk geskep met iets aangenaam; iets waaroor ons almal lekker kon baljaar en lekker saam kon lag. Ek is geseënd met die wonderlikste reisgenoot denkbaar!

Vir my het sy prakties haar geloof uitgeleef. Matteus 25:40 verseker ons: “Voorwaar Ek sê vir julle, vir sover julle dit gedoen het aan een van die geringstes van hierdie broeders van My, het julle dit aan My gedoen.”

Maar dit het my destyds gehelp om te oorleef. Die Here het eers later aan my ‘n pad gewys van hoe ek tot vandag toe self my depressie kan hanteer. Nou kan ek daar uit kom voordat dit my totaal verlam.

Dit is my storie. Ek deel dit om te help perspektief bring. Elkeen het sy eie verhaal en agtergrond. En wat regtig agter die masker aangaan, kan nie ek of jy met sekerheid bepaal nie.

Seën,

Herman Grobler

English

20 October 2019. Depression 3. Suicide.

People in depression sometimes consider suicide.

While being a reverend in my first congregation, I had been under severe stress. I had to prepare four sermons every week and I don’t reuse a sermon. I was responsible for the candidates for confirmation. Great emphasis was placed on visitations to the members of my church with some living on farms 60 km. Out of town. It was a time when one felt so unsafe that I even bought myself a pistol.

At home we struggled with little children with their sickness and all that go with bringing up little children.

And financially there were also problems. My car as well as the fridge and washing machine all gave in and had to be replaced. And we had to take out a loan to buy curtains for the beautiful huge parsonage.

To add to my problems I crossed swords with my senior colleague over my interpretation of the political situation in the land and how we should handle it in the congregation.

I felt completely isolated, for I felt as though I could trust nobody.

During the night I often started shivering so severely that my wife had to massage me in order for me to get an hour or so of sleep.

And one day my wife came into the study just in time to grab the pistol away from my head! Then I just had to see my doctor. The antidepressants he prescribed made me feel dizzy. I cannot handle feeling not in control, so I just had to stop taking them.

Yet the overseer of the flock of the Lord must be seen as blessed of the Lord! Consequently, my mask of “all is well, I am blessed” just became thicker! But this was soon interpreted as unperturbed and false!

These things are way back in the past. I confessed all my mistakes before the Lord and forgave those that sinned against me long ago. I mention these only to help people understand what one struggling with depression might be struggling with in reality. We cannot know what lies behind his mask!

Advice like: “pull yourself together, man” I could not do. Or: “just confess your sin!” I really and honestly did that before the Lord. Or: “Just cast all your burdens on the Lord – He will care for you!” With hours on my knees in the presence of the Lord I did that. Or: “Just get in the place the Lord planned for you!” Believe me, being a reverend, as fulfilment of a dream since being a toddler, made me honestly study my motives and intentions. Or: “resist the devil and he will flee from you!” I come from a time when in my church we still took cognisance of the reality of Satan. Standing in the authority of the Lord, I diligently resisted him, but without success. Or: “get your diet and exercises in order!” I tried it all! And of course: “drink your antidepressants!” As I explained, that simply was not acceptable to me.

In most cases advice people give, had already been tested over and over again. They only serve to emphasize the feeling that one is a loser, pushing you deeper into depression! And you steer away from such a well-meaning person, further isolating yourself. Easy solutions for such an intense problem just add to the problem. A problem so great that one seriously and repeatedly consider suicide! I know; I had been there more than once!

At the time of my deepest struggle with depression, my wife never gave me any advice or demanded of me to pull myself together. She just showed her love for me by bowing down with me before the Lord. And she went to all the trouble to directly help me to take a break with a lovely cup of tea and something nice she made herself, enjoying it with me. How she managed it, I do not know, but she found something to complement me every day. I will never forget how I felt when we arrived home, and she said: “Thank you for driving so carefully today.” Even the children found something to call me “super-dad”! I suspect my wife should also get the credit for this! And every day she helped me to take a quick break with the kids and do something nice, something helping us to all have a bit of laughter! I am blessed with the most amazing companion through life!

She practically let me experience Matthew 25:40: “Because you did it to the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.”

This is how the Lord helped me to cope at that time. Only later did He reveal to me a method that I could apply to handle my depression myself, even before it weighs me down.

This is my story. I share it to help bring perspective.

Everyone has his own situation and history. What really goes on behind his mask, not me or you can know for sure.

Have empathy and respect for anybody struggling with this dreadful situation.

God bless,

Herman Grobler